Laura Bergells is Maniactive

Dec 3 / 3:37pm

Never give to charities that telemarket.

OK, non-profits and charities that telemarket for funds, especially during the holiday season:

You suck.

You're not getting any money from me. Stop calling. Put me on the do-not-call list.

And oh! How I DON'T love hearing you smugly tell me that because you're a non-profit, you're exempt from DO NOT CALL.

QUESTION: How do you know that the people you're randomly dialing aren't the exact same people you're purportedly trying to help?

ANSWER: You don't.

Ever wonder how many elderly and handicapped have fallen while eagerly trying to get to the phone, thinking it might be a relative they haven't heard from in years calling to wish them a happy holiday?

Of course you don't.

Because you obviously don't seem to care. You only seem to be in it for the pennies.

I've watched the handicapped and elderly fall trying to get to your phone call. I've watched them choke back tears of disappointment when they learn that it wasn't their son calling: it was you.

You. With your pitch for dough... so that you can 'help' the less fortunate.

You. Suck.

Stop calling.

You're not helping.

You're a scourge.

(I'm looking at you, Salvation Army. How would you like it if I smugly told you I was exempt from putting trash in your collection buckets this holiday season? Because I think I am...but how is sharing that information even remotely kind or considerate?)

Nov 6 / 10:22am

Time doesn't change. How could it?

My family is comprised of many independent, artistic sorts. One of us will move the clock backward, won't tell anybody, and then someone else will, too.

Then, some other artist in the residence thinks it's "fall backward in the spring and spring forward in the fall", so he'll set it forward an hour without telling anyone.

As a result, none of us are ever sure what time it is.

But really. How can anyone ever know, for sure?

Sep 21 / 8:50am

Facebook Changes: A Major Win

Like many, I logged into Facebook this morning to a wall of whining. Facebook made major design changes. Most of my friends don't like it. They are very vocal about their displeasure.

They are whining about the changes.

Ironically, they are whining about how much they don't like Facebook...on Facebook.

They seem to have forgotten that they are not Facebook's customers. They are Facebook's product.

To state the obvious, customers are people who pay money for a product or service. If you use Facebook and do not pay them, you are not a customer. You are their product. Facebook sells your time and attention.

When you whine about Facebook on Facebook, you are being a very good product. You are generating more eyeballs and engagement for Facebook's customers.

If you truly do not like Facebook, how else might you use your time, attention, and resources?

The answer should be obvious.

Sep 12 / 8:47am

What's up with all the non-responsive answers lately?

I've noticed an epidemic of what lawyers call "the non-responsive answer" lately. Except instead of the courtroom, I see the non-responsive answer in too many business situations that require an immediate answer.

What's a non-responsive answer? It's when you ask a direct question, but receive an answer to a question you didn't ask.

Q: "Do you sell Brand X?"

A: "We recently changed suppliers."

Q: "How's Thursday at 3pm for our meeting?"

A: "I'm in the office all day on Thursday."

Q: "What do you say we go to X Restaurant for lunch at noon today?"
A: "I went there for lunch last month."

While conversations can be valuable relationship builders, these types of answers lead to annoying and pointless conversations. They're relationship destroyers, not relationship builders.

Conversely, let's say someone asks you a direct question. If you answer swiftly and decisively, many seem irked or try to engage you in further roundabout discussions: even if they agree with your decision! These people tend to be paid by the hour, trying to pad the bill with conversational drivel. They are almost never sales people: they know that when the customer says "yes" -- for goodness sake, stop talking!

Is "billable hour" bill-padding behind the rise in popularity of the non-responsive answer? Is the old sales training "never directly tell the customer 'no'" behind it? And why are so many taken aback by quick decisiveness?

What factors are behind the rise in the non-responsive answer? And why is a direct and decisive answer often perceived as a character flaw?

Aug 31 / 11:54am

What's a real name, anyway?

"Give me your first name. We'll call it when your lunch is ready," demanded the woman behind the counter. She had just taken my order for a chicken sandwich and tea.

"Laura," I replied.

"Spell it," she barked.

"Spell it any way you please," I said.

She looked up from her pad of paper and frowned.

"I need to know how to spell it correctly," she said.

"It doesn't matter how I spell it. Just spell it so that you'll pronounce it correctly. That way, I'll recognize my name when you call it," I reasoned.

This answer didn't please the frowning woman.

"Just. Spell. It." she snarled.

I don't like annoying anyone who handles my food. I spelled it, smiling to appease the agitated order-taker. She was not in a mood for playful banter.

Later, she mispronounced my name when she called it. After all, if you can't figure out how to spell it, you're not going to be able to say it when you read it. Or maybe she just wanted to stick it to me for messing up her rhythm. Who knows?

This was about 14 years ago. I grew tired of these inane discussions concerning real names.

Since then, my restaurant name is "West". Easy to spell, hard to mispronounce. It's an expedient name.

Google+ has a real names policy that's a major source of drama and discussion in online circles. As for me, I don't have a real name. I have a real identity, but it's tied to several names. I don't reckon that one is more real than any other. In a restaurant, my "West" name isn't more "real" than "Laura". It's simply more effective.

What if I develop several different characters in online channels, all of whom have different names? Each character may have their own Google+ account. These characters may not be real flesh-and-blood type people, but by gum, they have real identities and real names. The Google+ 'real names" policy will let my fictional people with real names live.

Give it a try. If you're upset about the real names policy, why not populate Google+ with real names of fictional characters, all of whom can friend and validate each other in an underground network that defies detection?

What's your restaurant name?

Filed under // Google+ real names restaurant

Aug 22 / 1:59pm

How to use Facebook to disprove the myth of common sense

For over 27 years, I have railed against the condescending phrase “common sense”. There is no sense that is common to all humans.

When authority figures urge us to rely on something that doesn’t exist, I feel exasperated. Relying on a fantasy as the basis for real-world decision making isn't helpful or instructive. It often leads to wildly different actions from person to person.

A call to common sense is a call to chaos.

You can easily prove that common sense doesn’t exist. Simply think of a scenario where authority figures often ask you to use common sense. Then, conduct a survey of 10 people and ask how they would react under the hypothetical circumstance.

It’s unlikely that you’ll get 100% agreement on how to proceed or react. There is no sense that is common to even a small community, much less the bulk of humanity.

Let’s use the comment section on this blog to conduct a real world experiment, shall we? I’m going to ask you a question a TV reporter once asked me:

“For reasons of safety and privacy, should people post personal information about themselves on Facebook?”

[As a follow up to my response, the reporter asked if people should 'just use common sense.' Of course I explained my position on common sense and told her unequivocally 'no!']

If you ask 10 different people reading this blog, you’ll probably get at least two different answers about how safe it is to post personal information on Facebook. Go to the comment section and post your own views: it’s quite likely that someone will share an alternate opinion.

What sense, after all, could possibly be common? And do tools like Facebook and Twitter do more to unify or fragment what is often referred to as a 'common sense'?

Filed under // Facebook common sense

Jul 11 / 10:49am

Farting or Wearing Perfume...which is more socially acceptable?

Last month, I met a woman who made me gag. Professionally dressed and immaculately coifed, I could smell her expensive perfume from across the room. Close up, she was appalling to be near. Her smell was overpowering. Cloying. Nauseating.

I backed out of our conversation as fast as I could.

I also met another woman last month. We shook hands.

Then, improbably -- she farted.

The look on her face was horror and embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry!" she stammered.

I started laughing. She looked mortified.

I put my arm around her.

"It happens," I said. "Let's move away from here before the smell kicks in."

We continued our conversation a couple of dozen feet away. We had a few laughs and considered it a bonding moment.

The woman with the perfume offended me. The woman who farted didn't.

One scent was on purpose. The other wasn't.

When you wear perfume in public so that others can smell it, what are you communicating?

Jun 22 / 9:37am

Chocolate Email Forwards from Elderly Relatives

This morning, I received a lengthy email forward from an elderly relative. I usually ignore these emails.

It's not worth the scroll-down hassle to find out all the unlikely ways I'm going to be victimized or to look at a picture of an albino moose playing with a kitten.

But this morning, I was in a mood. The subject line of the email forward, after all, had the words "chocolate cake" in it. So I read it.

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4 tablespoons flour
3 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Seeing as I was in a mood, I made the cake during lunch. After all, I had all the ingredients on hand. Who doesn't?

I set my timer. It actually took 8 minutes and 39 seconds. But remember, I'm in a mood.

Here are the results:

Yes, of course I put on organic Michigan strawberries and whipped cream. After all, I'm in a mood.

And now, aside from being in a mood, I'm all hopped up on sugar, too.

The cake itself isn't half-bad, but I wouldn't serve it to company. Not unless I had tons of fresh fruit, whip cream, and absolutely nothing else to serve.

But if you're in a mood and need chocolate cake, stat -- it's not awful. But honestly, it's more chocolate bread-puddingy than chocolate cakey.

If you have 9 minutes to kill and you're in a mood, go for it.

Jun 9 / 1:49pm

Who's going to build a hitchhiking app?

Gasoline is expensive. Public transportation services are sketchy. Hitchhiking is illegal.

On the other hand:

Carpooling is legal. Ride sharing is responsible. Social media channels connect people.

Why not connect with people who are headed where you’re going?

Why not let social media hook hikers up with drivers -- and drivers up with hikers?

Think of FourSquare meets Yelp, but for hitchhiking and carpooling. Think of badges like

Safe Driver - 10+ trips with 10 different positive passenger ratings
Great Entertainer - 10+ trips with 10 different positive passenger ratings
Local Yocal -10+ trips within 50 miles
Outta Towner - 10+ trips over 50 miles
Rat Racer - 10+ trips to the same location within 3 months
The DD -- 10+ people tagged you with #DD because you didn’t drink

And think of monetizing the service with advertising.

Keep it safe. Rate your ride. Let people know who you’re riding with and where you’re going. Help build a safe ridesharing community.

Now -- who’s going build the app? Because I'd use it. And I'd help market it.

That's my high concept pitch.

Jun 7 / 2:28pm

How women might use Foursquare...

Yeah, so maybe I’ll check into a location on Foursquare every couple of months or so. Usually at a public or charitable event, where at least a couple dozen other people have checked in.

Otherwise, I’m not too keen on letting people know where I am with pinpoint accuracy. It’s a safety thing.

I’m also not too motivated to earn badges. I kinda got over collecting badges on my sash when i was a a Girl Scout. Badges? I don't need no stinkin' badges!

OK...so what about getting those little food & drink freebies and discounts for checking into FourSquare, Gowalla, Facebook Places, etc.? Let’s face it: if I’m at a bar, someone’s usually going to buy me a drink. Or dinner. Or whatever.

And that someone is usually male.

There’s just no upside for me to check into Foursquare.

So it comes as no surprise to me that twice as many men as women use these social geolocation services. (Hat tip to @CindyDroog for pointing me to this Economist post.)

Some men seem very eager to let women know where they are. Most women are eager to avoid these men.

Like many women, I don’t want to hang out with "men" who loudly and publicly broadcast their whereabouts, brag inanely about earning dubious mayorships, or virtually squeal with glee when they get a free appetizer or fifty cents off a happy hour drink.

That said, I use Foursquare quite a bit -- but not in the way you might think.

I spy on Foursquare to find out where these over-eager Foursquare men are congregating. And then I go somewhere else. Usually a place that doesn’t have the “check in on FourSquare” sign on the window. Or secret, underground places with proprietors that promise to publicly humiliate any patron who might check into Foursquare.

Surely, I’m not alone in this behavior.

Who else uses Foursquare to avoid crowds and running into people who seem a little too eager to share the minutia of their lives with you?

Filed under // Facebook Places Foursquare geolocation gowalla